the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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