I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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