Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
