thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
