I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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