he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
