You're my little dorito
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
