a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
