how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
