god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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