She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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