one might say we're banned from that church
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
