dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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