That reminds me...we need to get swords
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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