white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
