Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
