Umm I'm too high to move.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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