are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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