Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
