I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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