I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
