Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We talked him into tasing himself.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
