I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
