I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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