I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Operation Purity has been aborted
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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