well I can't set my house on fire every night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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