i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
