I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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