He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
