Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I could fuck to npr.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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