can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
