she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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