I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
