I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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