so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
