I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
