Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
