we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
