I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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