She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
