what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
