what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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