I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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