im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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