I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
