My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
well, you know. whores of a feather.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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