Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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