nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
