Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
