Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
