please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
